A few years ago, I was absent-mindedly watching the regional news on television when I was suddenly rooted to the spot, overcome by feelings of surprise, elation and excitement. I had to share the moment with someone else and, in my rush to get my husband to see what was rapidly reducing me to a babbling state of incoherence, I knocked over the cup of tea, caught my jumper sleeve on the door handle and grazed my knee of the coffee table.
I had never seen anyone I actually knew on television before, and there, being interviewed large as life in front of me, was the owner of the local furniture shop who had sold us our dining room chairs only the week before. I was so thrilled, anyone would have thought that I was on the box. Television suddenly gave her superhuman status and, having actually spoken to her, that somehow made us part of the unfolding scene. For days I could talk of nothing else.
This event returned to mind when I received a Christmas card some months later from a girlfriend I hadn't seen in seven years. Her brief note said simply, "Saw you on television again recently and told everybody I knew you." Having seen me as a guest on a programme, she had reacted in exactly the same way, wanting to share vicariously in the brief moment of glory. All this behaviour is not so strange when we think about it carefully. In fact, television holds the key as to why we push ourselves to the limit to achieve our ambitions. It is the overwhelming desire to be somebody, if only for 60 seconds of our lives. It also explains why some people would do anything to appear 'on the box'. Yet this sort of fleeting success is not the real answer to what we individually seek because it seldom lasts as long as we would wish. What each of us secretly craves, yet do not often admit, comes in three interrelated forms: recognition, respect and, ultimately, reward.
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RECOGNITION
Though we do routine acts for their intrinsic enjoyment and value, the real thrill of carrying out a particular task or favour comes from hearing someone else say how 'good' or 'brilliant' it was. These words of appreciation - of genuine acknowledgement for our efforts - provide the essential oils to keep the light of motivation burning and to grease the wheels of endeavour. When we do not hear them we become doubtful and fretful of our ability to perform well and begin to question our own competence. We also become watchful of others, resentful of their success and inevitably critical and envious. This is not surprising because nothing kills the human spirit quicker than to be repeatedly ignored, constantly passed over and criticised when one is trying so hard.
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We all like to feel our efforts are being recognised and, if there appears to be favourites who seem to be always getting the perks, and the attention, we tend to agonise, become uncooperative and low in self-esteem. We begin to wonder why we are treated differently and failure to get honest answers will negatively affect our perspective and production. External differences (like race, gender, disability) also become the focus as possible causes of the injustice. There are countless companies with increasingly low output because of gross mismanagement of staff. This is because all those words of encouragement are the vital forms of recognition we need to affirm our worth. When they are missing, our motivation goes with them too.
We are all too conscious of extrovert employees who are skilled at attracting attention to themselves, the chief executive officers of industry - and politicians - who can award themselves big pay rises, or middle managers who are perceived to have done wonderful things, while the ordinary worker is overlooked in the rush for recognition. Yet the smallest faulty cog in the largest machine can bring the whole thing to a halt, a fact which often underlies substandard production through the mismanagement of human resources. We feel wanted when our contributions seem to count and are encouraged. When this is not the case, our opinion of ourself becomes questionable and our self-esteem falls dramatically. We begin to minimise former achievements and to believe everyone else is 'better' and more deserving.
Changing Negative Labels
Without recognition, no matter how small, we have no value in our own eyes. Many adults believe they are 'failures' because somewhere in their childhood they have been repeatedly told they are either 'stupid', 'not as clever' as their brother/sister, or they're 'heading for disaster' , etc. They internalise these negative comments and, in time, come to believe them because no one else has told them otherwise. Even as adults, they often find it difficult to change these negative labels. With few positive reference points around them where it matters, they lack the confidence to believe in themselves, regardless of their potential.
Recognition has to be continuous too. We feel wanted when our contributions seem to matter and we are encouraged to actually make such efforts. If not, we immediately feel inadequate because we begin to doubt that we are as good as we used to be. That is why many people are often less bothered about a pay rise than getting the recognition they believe they deserve. For them, the extra pay may relieve financial burdens or improve their standard of living, but it is not a true barometer of their worth, neither does it affirm their value and competence in the eyes of peers who may also be getting the same pay. Without adequate recognition, once the novelty of the pay rise passes, they would be back to having feelings of self-doubt and low morale. Thus wherever pay is given the highest priority, there will also be very anxious individuals who often use the demand for extra money to compensate for their chronic lack of recognition.
True recognition comes in the form of gradual self-discovery followed by the acknowledgement of peers and superiors. To be widely recognised for who we are and what we have achieved is the ultimate in public accolade because it often reinforces what we believe of ourself. It raises our status above others, making us potential role models to be emulated. Recognition through acknowledgement precedes the next stage, respect.
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